Your partner had an affair, and a child

If finding out about your partner’s affair is one of the most devastating events in a person’s life, finding out that a child was or will be born of the affair comes a close second. While the damage of an affair in a relationship can take years to repair, a child that is born of an affair is a forever consequence of a major mistake - that is true. But much more than that, they are a living breathing little person with as many rights as any of us to feel safe and loved and secure in the world they have been brought into.

How do you balance healing from an affair, the rebuilding the relationship, and a child?

Balancing the rights and needs of a child of an affair with healing the relationship is a major task for anyone and there are no right or wrong answers. Making decisions about how to best meet the rights and needs of a child of an affair are part of dealing with the consequences of the affair and it is very hard to move on with such a large issue unresolved. A lot of objectivity is required at a time when emotion is high.

What should we do about the child of an affair?

To get started resolving the questions and issues that arise when a child is born of an affair, the following points may help:

• work on the relationship first. As this is strengthened you will increase your ability to work as a team, through the issues regarding the child;

• work as a team to keep the marriage safe. Use technology such as email or sms to build a wall between your marriage and the other person while still staying in contact, if required, about the child.

• find out about the family law that is relevant to extra-marital children in your area. This will help you understand your obligations as a starting point.

With the right help you can work this through and develop a plan that is right for you and your family doing the best you can by everyone including the child.