Wedding Anniversary

Wedding Anniversary

Catriona Lightfoot
affair recovery, My Story

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.  Since finding out about the affair I have been kind of ambivalent about the significance of the day.  Whilst I have not wanted to ditch it altogether, I haven’t really wanted to go all out in celebrations either.  So in the last few years, we have more acknowledged it rather than celebrated it.  My husband has taken his cues from me gently asking me this morning whether I wanted to do anything tonight.  As I write this I am still undecided.  It is not that I find the day in any way painful just that I haven’t thought through what it means to me in the new relationship we have now.

How Could I Not Have Known?

Catriona Lightfoot
affair recovery

When you first find out about your partner’s affair it is incomprehensible to many how they could not have known it was happening. This is reinforced by the media (ever seen an article along the lines of top 10 ways to spot a cheater!!) and even helping professionals who have never been through it and can't beleive that you could be in a relationship with someone and be so blind as to what is going on for them. My husband’s affair lasted 3 years and resulted in a child and although with hindsight I can look back now and see there were signs, I can honestly say at the time it was happening, I had no idea.

The signs I didn’t see

The signs I didn’t see

Catriona Lightfoot
My Story

Brett’s affair lasted 3 years.  At the time that it started we had been together for 19 years, married for 10 and had 3 children aged 5, 3 and a new born only about 2 months old at the start of the affair.  He breaks the affair into distinct phases and the signs that I can now see in hindsight align with these phases and how he was feeling at the time.  This is all about hindsight - at the time I can honestly say I really had no idea.

When you hurt the world stops and I listen

Catriona Lightfoot
affair recovery

Below is a link to a television news interview with Dr's John and Julie Gottman - "relationship gurus" about affairs and betrayal.  While kept short for a tv slot, they share some of their insights into the impact of betrayal in a relationship. A point that stood out for me is John Gottman talking about what they have learnt from couples who haven't had and affair - loyal couples - they cherish one another, they don't leave one another in pain, "when you hurt the world stops and I listen".  Loyal couples focus on being grateful for what they have rather than resentment for what is not there.

Look for the signs

Catriona Lightfoot
affair recovery, BAN

This post is based on the discussion at my BAN meeting last Tuesday night.  A member had asked the question: Maybe we could talk about how the betrayed partner would know when the time comes to stop trusting an untrustworthy partner, and to move on for our own safety?

Making the decision to end the relationship will always be a balance of many factors and only you can decide what is right for you.  Talk to someone you trust, seek help and remember you are not alone.

The Legacy of Peggy Vaughan

The Legacy of Peggy Vaughan

Catriona Lightfoot
affair recovery

Peggy Vaughan died last week at home surrounded by her family after a long illness.  I didn't see it on the news here in Australia but thanks to social media I am not too far behind.  Hearing this news made me sad.  Peggy, although she didn't know it, was like a role model to me and I had a dream that I would get to meet her one day and thank her for how she had helped me. Peggy and her husband, James wrote a book called Beyond Affairs that was first published in 1980.  It was their personal story and was enormously brave at a time when affairs were the domain of the home - not something talked about in public.  The book is a raw and honest account from both sides - the one who was having the affairs (James had 15 over 7 years) and the one betrayed. 

Have to go Through Not Over or Around

Catriona Lightfoot
affair recovery, skills for the journey

One of the things about an affair though is that it refuses to be ignored.  If you ignore a few scratches or bruises they will cause some discomfort but eventually go away.  Ignoring an affair is the equivalent of ignoring a rumbling appendix - it will eventually burst and threaten your life.  I had to learn how to go through the pain.  The antidote to pain is somewhere inside the pain.  And the worst part is the more you avoid the longer it takes to heal.

How long will this journey take

Catriona Lightfoot
affair recovery, skills for the journey

What you can and can’t do to speed it up – and what are the signs that it is nearly over…

From the minute you find out that you have been betrayed by your partner – whether you find out by accident or your partner tells you – you are on a journey with the goal to move from broken to whole.  No one gets through the revelation of infidelity unscathed.  But where you go from there is entirely up to you.

My Story - the Beginning

Catriona Lightfoot
My Story

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods." C S Lewis I can still clearly recall the day back in late August 2008, when my husband, Brett told me he had had an affair.  He calmly told me he had something he needed to tell me and then dropped the bomb that tore my world apart