Hall Passes and Revenge Affairs

This morning on the radio was an interesting discussion about affairs.  If a couple has an agreement that if one of them cheats the other automatically gets a “hall pass” – would that stop cheating?

Some people thought that would be just the thing – a revenge affair would fix the situation, and everyone could move on – mostly apart.  Others thought that the pain of finding out about your partner cheating would be too great to even contemplate a hall pass, and that it would only make things worse anyway.

So would the threat of a “hall pass” work to stop cheating?  And do revenge affairs make it all better?

The short answers are No and No!

After working in this area for many years now I have heard many unfaithful spouses talk about how, when they are on the slippery slope heading towards the affair, nothing would stop them.  They are only thinking about themselves and how good it feels for them and in fact if reality does get in the way they are quick to make up a story to convince themselves that what they are doing will be OK.  So even if the thought of their partner getting a “hall pass” and doing this too crossed their minds, they would discount it with some fanciful story that made it (in their mind at least) all OK.

So no “hall pass” agreement, no wedding vows, no commitment agreements, no faith based contracts, rules or guidelines (ie the 10 commandments!) work to stop the cheater in that moment.  Not even an understanding of the potential consequences such as relationship breakdown, pain and hurt, job loss or financial ruin works (and these are just some of the consequences I have seen come from affairs).  Why? Because agreements and consequences live in the rational part of your brain which is switched off when making decisions driven solely by how you feel in that moment. 

Now will a revenge affair or a “hall pass” make it all better?  No it – will only add more pain to an already intolerably painful situation. 

Peggy Vaughan, an affair recovery expert, (whose most well known book is The Monogamy Myth) wrote a memoir with her husband, James in the aftermath of his multiple affairs over many years.  In that memoir she recounts a weekend where she went to a conference and took a hall pass of her own, with her husband’s agreement.  When she told him about the man she was with at the conference he was distraught – ultimately they both decided that the excitement of the affairs was not worth the pain it inflicted upon the other person and ultimately the relationship and themselves.

Personally I am happy learning from someone else’s experience on this one.